Oh No She Didn't!

It's a typical Sunday morning and I'm sprawled out on the couch watching the Republican propaganda machine also known as Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace. Chris is interviewing the Secretary of State Cunnilingus Rice. This woman is making more money in a year than I will probably make in my lifetime. At one point during the exchange of lies Chris Wallace showed a flashback of something Ms. Riceland Rice said three months earlier. I couldn't believe she was wearing the EXACT same outfit today that she wore then! I was thinking come on now, Sistah! You finally got that scary dew of yours in shape now lets work on that wardrobe! Although I do remember one time seeing old girl during an interview and she was wearing a pair of seriously funky high heal leather boots. She looked like she just stepped out of the club! One minute she's dressed like some kind of schoolmarm and the next she's looking like a dominatrix. I bet Cunnilingus Rice is one freaky bitch!

The New Presidential Vetting Process

I was going to write this very serious post about the 3rd anniversary of the War in Iraq. I was starting to sound like one of those guys you read in the op-ed section of the newspaper! Then I thought, no. No need to ramble on with fancy political lingo. Fact of the matter is the US has fucked things up in Iraq. That's the entire story in a nutshell. Fuck, fuckity, fucking fucked! I don't need to list all the fuck ups so I will just point you there.

The real question is what are we going to do about it?! Let's face it people, our nation is being led by an incompetent boob. Since we (we being the Supreme Court) were the ones who elected this Goober into office then the responsibility falls on us (the American people) to rectify the situation. I propose a test for all presidential hopefuls. I mean a huge battery of competency tests! Kids in school need to pass achievement tests and score well on college entrance exams to move on to the next level. Why not one for the most important job in the country? The presidency?! Below are some sample questions I propose should be included in the test.

1. Are you from Texas? (No= 10 points, Yes= -20 points)


2. How do you spell nuclear?


3. My foreign policy would most resemble
   
   1. Working with allied nations and the UN to determine a
      comprehensive plan to handle world issues and conflicts
   2. A dominant leadership role to push the UN in the right direction because the UN is fairly week and ineffective.
   3. Fuck those panty wastes in the UN!
   
   
4. My vice presidential running partner will be
   
   1. A strong leader in case I am unable to serve and who works with both parties in the Senate for the good of the American people.
   2. A popular party loyalist who won't rock the boat and who is
      mostly seen and not heard.
   3. Basically Satan in a suite who tells me what to do and has no
      problems taking his own friends out with a rifle if they piss him off.
   
   
5. I define global warming as
   
   1. The result of industrialized nations emitting vast quantities of
      carbon dioxide into the air which causes a greenhouse effect on the planet.
   2. A natural phenomenon which happens periodically in nature and we should not worry about.
   3. My nukes spanking the ass of any nation I think is harboring
      terrorists.
   
   
6. The Geneva Convention
   
   1. Is a set treaties that sets the standards for international law
      for humanitarian concerns.
   2. Only applies to prisoners of war from a recognized country
   3. Is probably some arts and crafts convention held every year in Geneva, IL

Voting doesn't seem to matter and I think this solution will work!

Using the Big Hammer

One of the things I like most about my job is that I am constantly learning new things. It's not overly technical but I have a LOT of people contact. I am constantly receiving information from people, synthesizing it and making decisions. One task I had to coordinate was the movement of some data and voice lines at one of my branches. It's always a mess because you have to deal with the phone company. It's not getting any better with all these damn mergers either! Anyway, I found myself involved in a process which I don't normally manage. Basically I had to track down a contract and a check. Can you believe the phone company wouldn't do any work until they had a check up front?! What kind of shit is that?? Anyway, got the contract signed and was just waiting on the check.

The person who was processing the check was NOT responding to me. I had tried for about 3 days. Left voice mail, e-mails. My manager left e-mails. Nothing. I just assumed old girl took a couple of days off and forgot to turn on her out of office notifications. That's all fine and good but I got people breathing down my neck and I need a check!! So I looked in the company directory for her boss, gave him a call and asked a simple question, "Is Sharon in the office today?" He got my information, what I needed and told me he would get back to me. Little did I know that I had just called the VP of something or other! Yikes!! I guess it goes without saying that I received a call from old girl less than five minutes later telling me she had the check and it would be FedEx'ed today. My question is why the hell didn't she just shoot me an e-mail about this two days ago? See what happens when you don't answer my e-mails and voice mails? Let this be a lesson to you!

Greetings!

Greetings all. Hopefully you didn't have much trouble finding my new home. Yes, I have reinvented my online journal once again. This will be the fifth iteration of my journal but technically only the fourth. Let's see, there was The Face of Unemployment, Just Bitching, In Search of..., and A New Hope. This time I simply changed the name of A New Hope to its current title. It became apparent to me that I'm not Luke Skywalker and the Deathstar still roams the country in the form of Dick Cheney shooting people in the face. So I embark on what I hope will be the last title change of my journal. I believe this one says it all because what I've been doing through it all is just giving you a piece of my mind or my two cents as it were. I could have used my2cents.com but I thought ChangeForANickel.com was more clever. As you know I'm nothing if not clever. More to come soon... I hope.

Mid-Life Cruising

I have officially been 40 years old for a month.  I say officially because I've been feeling 40 for the past 5 years (the unemployment, the surgery, the weight?!  Oy vey!).  I think this is the time in my life when I'm supposed to start having mid-life crisis and such.  You know those questions middle aged people start asking themselves.  What have I accomplished?  Where is my life going?  What will my legacy be?  What will I leave behind for others?  Does Viagra really work?  I often notice my melanin challenged chums questioning their lives EARLY in the game.  I guess those questions have rolled around in my head like a pinball but they never make the game tilt.  Just not that important in the grand scheme to me.  For those struggling with these questions and other life learnings let me fill you in on what I've learned.

 

Q.  What have I accomplished?
A.  I made it through six years in the Marine Corps as a gay man without getting my ass kicked!

 

Q.  Where is my life going?
A.  Baring incarceration any place is just fine.  I'm just here for the journey!

 

Q.  What will my legacy be?
A.  Probably this stupid blog!

 

Q.  What will I leave behind for others?
A.  Preferably nothing.  Anything left behind will probably be considered an asset that the government will want because I plan to die in extreme debt.  Who says you can't take it with you?

 

Q.  Does Viagra work?
A.  How the hell would I know?  Ask me again in 20 years.  OK, make it 30.

 

I have come to the realization that I'm too busy enjoying the here and now.  If you are too worried about what you should have done or what you should be doing you end up missing all those moments in between.  I'm not going through a mid-life crisis but I do have my eye on a nice sports car...

Paul

pauly@casperboo.com