Oh the weather outside is frightful. And I ain’t just singing a seasonal song. It’s damn cold out there, babies! As you all know I’m from a tropical people. This whole winter wonderland crap is for penguins and crazy straight white boys that you see wearing shorts in this crappy weather. This tropical princess believes in staying warm. Each morning I embark on a process that is guaranteed to keep you warm and toasty on these days when you can make popsicles on your nose with one sneeze. If you are looking for that sure fire way to keep the fire in your pants (not that fire!) then just follow my step by step method and you too will make it through the dog days of winter.

6:40AM Wake up and iron clothes (I always forget to iron the night before).
7:00AM Take a nice long shower while listening to the impending war on NPR. Stay in shower 5 more minutes because you know what’s waiting for you at work!
7:15AM To tackle that dry skin rub petroleum jelly over ENTIRE body. Also acts to helps against the cold weather. Body can also be used as a slip and slide. Many other uses!
7:20AM Shave, brush, groom, makeup, etc.
7:35AM Time to put on the armor; one pair of long underwear and wool socks then regular clothes which usually includes a sweater.
7:55AM Have a hearty breakfast of Oatmeal, orange juice, multi-vitamin and garlic pill. Keeps you nice and warm inside (and helpful for that damn high cholesterol!).
8:10AM Find some cool tunes for the train ride to take your mind off how F**king crowded the train is.
8:15AM Put on LARGE hooded wool coat, wool scarf, ear cozy and cotton scull cap. (Damn, it’s hot as hell!)
8:20AM Out the door just in time to catch the 8:30 train! Whew! Mmm, nice and warm, don’t even notice how cold it is.
8:30AM Get on the train. Damn it’s hot as hell on this overcrowded ass train. Start taking clothes off!!!

Wash, rinse, repeat.